FauxNixon

The Internet Movie Database reports the following movies will open January 25, 2008 in the US markets.

1. Untraceable

Untraceable really might just as well bill itself as unwatchable. Directed by Gregory Hobit’s previous movies include Hart’s War (2002), Frequency (2000), and Fallen (1998), meaning that seriously since 1998 he hasn’t been capable of producing even borderline-watchable movies and I’m taking a pretty generous view of Fallen. This trainwreck-to-be stars Diane Lane–seriously, that’s it! It looks like of Hollywood already knows what’s coming here and has steered clear of this. In any event like such horrors as Hackers (1995) before it Untraceable tells the story of agent Jennifer Marsh of the US Secret Service who investigates and is wrapped into a race against a killer who publishes his vicious murders on the Internet via an untraceable website, and drawing on schadenfraude or some kind of sick draw towards evil, the more people who log on to see it, the faster the person is killed.

Untraceable is rated R by the MPAA.

2. Rambo

I actually expect a reasonably entertaining movie here; certainly not something that’ll win critical awards or have much depth, but something that is entertaining to watch. Sylvester Stallone writes, directs, and acts in this sequel and before you jump to any kind of conclusions, he did all three in Rocky Balboa (2006) which turned out quite well. Here, again, he brings a sequel to a series of movies in which he’s always starred. John Rambo assembles a team of mercenaries to help escort a shipment of aid into Burma for the Karen people; an ethnic minority in Burma who is truly terrorized and rumored to even be approaching an ethnic cleansing by the Burmese junta. When several of the missionaries are captured by the Burmese, Rambo takes a second job of bringing a team of mercenaries into Burma to free them. It’s timely, surprisingly relevant, and shares the qualities that brought such a great Rocky movie two years ago.

Rambo is rated R by the MPAA.

3. How She Move

We now move to what I am pretty sure will be the most terrible movie opening this week: How She Move directed by Ian Iqbal Rashid and starring no one of note as far as I can discern. How She Move is to tell us the story of a young woman who’s sister dies from a drug overdose. Forced to leave her private school as a result, and move into a public high school, the young woman rekindles her passion in competitive dancing. Like virtually every dance movie I have seen since 1990, this movie really seems like a mistake that its financiers should have seen coming and avoided. That they didn’t just means people should know what to expect.

How She Move is rated PG-13 and early reviews are really as horrid as any so far in 2008.

4. Meet the Spartans

This is the most easy to predict. If you have laughed at any of the Scary Movie (2000) films, Epic Movie (2007), or similar films you should love this as it’s a similar look at recent movies with a plot cobbled together to satirize as many of them as reasonably possible. It won’t be something you’ll keep and treasure, necessarily, but if you’re a film snob, it should at least be good for some good laughs. It’s also put out by the same people, who are, if anything, consistent in their delivery, including director Jason Friedberg.

Rated PG-13 by the MPAA.

5. 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days [Limited]

Written and directed by Cristian Mungiu, this is actually 2007 film that was made and released last year, but is now set for re-release into a limited US market because it’s done so well at award shows. It’s said to be quite spectacular and presently holds a very solid 8.4/10 rating on the Internet Movie Database. 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days refers to the content of the movie, which is sure to be controversial: the story of a woman assisting her friend with an illegal abortion in 1980s Romania. The movie has already won 12 film awards including the Golden Palm of the Cannes Film Festival, and has been nominated for another eight, including a Golden Globe.

I can’t seem to find a rating for this movie by the MPAA, which may indicate it’s limited release is due to a refusal to submit it for rating. Either way, if you don’t mind subtitles, and you really shouldn’t, you’re in for a treat!

6. The Air I Breathe [LA/NY Only]

Another foreign re-release (this time in English), this time it is the much more limited market of Los Angeles and New York City. This is a 2007 Mexican film from director Jieho Lee which stars Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Bacon, Andy Garcia, Forest Whittaker, Brendan Frasier, Julie Delpy, and Emile Hirsch. The Air I Breathe is a drama based on an ancient Chinese proverb breaking life down into four essential categories: happiness, pleasure, sorrow, and love. A businessman (played by Whittaker) bets his life in a horse race; a gangster (played by Frasier) sees his future; a pop star (Gellar) falls victim to a crime boss (Garcia); and a doctor (Bacon) must save the love of his life.

It is rated R by the MPAA and I am pissed that’s its release is so limited since it’ll delay my viewing, but based on its previous release it already has an absurdly-high 9/10 rating by the Internet Movie Database.